Good Grief?

I miss Lucy.

This past weekend we celebrated Theo’s 2nd birthday and she wasn’t there. There were no photos with her and Theo. She didn’t wear her Grandkids are the Apple of My Eye sweatshirt. She didn’t walk through the door and clasp her hands together and say, “Oh sweetie!”

This is from Theo's party last year.

It hurts at such obvious times like birthday parties and less obvious times like walking through the grocery store and thinking, “I should call Lucy and find out what she did for birthday traditions when she was a kid.” I never asked her that.

My grief comes in waves. Sometimes it takes my breath away and other times I find myself with a smile on my lips and feeling like she’s standing next to me. I am beginning to understand that part of growing up is having the ability to feel two conflicting emotions at the same time. I feel so sad and so grateful. I feel a lump in my throat and a peace in my heart. I feel like a parent and a small child.

Is there such a thing as “good grief?” I think so. But right now, it’s just grief.